The Ending and the Beginning

Worrying that I wouldn't be able to support my big family, I could not get myself to quit my job and turn to coaching full time.

This Wednesday, my company announced layoffs. While waiting to hear from HR, I felt my worries about losing stable income. I also felt a greater excitement: someone had finally made the decision for me, and I could start coaching full time.

But as many people in my previous team, current team, and other teams were laid off, I wasn't.

Aside from survivor's guilt, I felt a deep sense of loss as many of my coworkers were like family and friends. Then there was the unsettling confusion of why I was not chosen, why I was still here, and whether I should quit on my own.

All the emotions climaxed on Friday (omitting what my company obviously won't allow me to share). I did my best to hold my sadness and anger through the last meeting. The moment I logged out of Zoom, I got a message from R, whom I had not seen for over a year, asking, "How are you lately?" I called her. Hearing her say, "You will make a great coach," and "Being able to still find something you're passionate about at this age is so precious," gave me a lot of encouragement.

To work through my emotions and confusion, I went to the lakefront. This is the first time in all these years that I have seen a fully frozen Lake Michigan. One can see the shapes of the waves, but they were so still and motionless.

I had another chat with Q in the evening and felt very inspired. She said we make good money not so we can stay in the same company forever, nor be prisoners of money. We make good money so we can have the freedom and choice to quit when we want to. I said I wished I had been laid off so I didn't have to make the difficult decision to quit. She said this is something important for me to go through, so it comes from within rather than from the outside. Once I have done it once, I will have enormous courage for the future.

So there was the decision.

I went to the lake again the following day. There was still a thick layer of ice on the surface, but the water was moving. It broke the ice into small pieces, and despite their heavy weight, the water pushed them up and down.

We are all filled with strength, just like the Great Lakes. Now is the time for me to see it, trust it, and let it carry me forward.